The Push and Pull of AuDHD: Navigating Contradictory Needs

Living as an AuDHD person—navigating the intersecting traits of Autism and ADHD—is like walking a tightrope between opposing needs and impulses. Autism might crave structure, predictability, and sensory calm, while ADHD thrives on novelty, spontaneity, and stimulation. This internal tug-of-war can be overwhelming but also uniquely enriching. Understanding these dynamics can help make sense of the conflicts and foster greater self-compassion.

Here’s a closer look at the nuanced experiences of being AuDHD and some strategies for managing these paradoxes.

Routine vs. Spontaneity: The Challenge of Opposing Needs

For many autistic people, routines are a source of comfort and security. Predictability helps reduce anxiety and creates a sense of stability. On the other hand, ADHD brings an appetite for variety, change, and excitement, which can make sticking to a routine feel stifling or even impossible.

For example, you might set up a detailed daily schedule to create order in your life, only to abandon it midweek because ADHD brain craves something new. This constant shifting can feel like a betrayal of your own intentions and lead to frustration or guilt.

Tip: Experiment with “flexible routines” that allow for structure without rigidity. For instance, keep a consistent morning ritual but leave afternoons open for more spontaneous activities.

Sensory Joy and Overload: Balancing the Extremes

One of the most profound experiences of being AuDHD is the heightened relationship with sensory input. Autism often brings sensory sensitivities—such as aversion to bright lights or loud noises—while ADHD can lead to seeking out intense sensory experiences to stimulate a restless mind.

This duality can create both sensory joys and significant challenges. For instance, while a particular sound or texture may provide comfort, an overwhelming sensory environment can lead to emotional or physical shutdowns.

Tip: Create a sensory toolkit to manage these extremes. Noise-cancelling headphones, sunglasses, or fidget tools can help mitigate overload, while a favourite scent, texture, or playlist can provide grounding comfort.

Social Tug-of-War: Connection vs. Overstimulation

Socialising as an AuDHD person can feel like navigating a labyrinth. ADHD might spark a desire to connect with others, yet autism’s sensory sensitivities or social fatigue can make group settings overwhelming. This duality can lead to feelings of isolation or frustration, especially when masking is involved.

Tip: Honour your social limits by setting boundaries and prioritising environments where you feel safe and comfortable. It’s okay to decline an invitation or leave early if you’re feeling overstimulated.

Overthinking Meets Impulsivity: The Inner Decision-Making Conflict

The AuDHD brain often wrestles with two opposing forces when making decisions: impulsivity (driven by ADHD) and overthinking (driven by autism). You might impulsively say “yes” to an exciting opportunity, only to later feel paralysed by analysing every potential outcome.

Tip: Develop a decision-making process that honours both sides. For example, take a few moments to pause and write down pros and cons before acting on a whim. Alternatively, set a time limit for overthinking to prevent spiralling into indecision.

Emotional Rollercoaster: Intensity and Shutdowns

Emotionally, the experience of being AuDHD can feel like oscillating between extremes. ADHD brings intensity—whether it’s excitement, anger, or joy—while autism can lead to emotional shutdowns or overwhelm. This dynamic can leave you feeling as though your emotions are in conflict with one another.

Tip: Recognise patterns in your emotional responses and plan for them. If you know a shutdown often follows periods of high intensity, schedule quiet time to recharge without guilt.

Identity and Self-Acceptance: Navigating Who You Are

Living with the duality of AuDHD can raise questions about identity. Are you more autistic, more ADHD, or an intricate blend of both? These intersecting traits shape your experiences and the way you engage with the world, often creating a rich, layered sense of self.

Therapy can be a space to explore how your neurodivergence influences your relationships, career, and passions. Many find it liberating to embrace their unique traits as integral parts of who they are, rather than something to “fix.”

Tip: Give yourself permission to redefine your identity in a way that honours your unique combination of traits. Your neurodivergence is part of what makes you you.

Reframing Neurodivergence as a Strength

Despite the challenges of being AuDHD, there are immense strengths that come with this duality. Creativity, empathy, and authenticity often shine brightly in neurodivergent individuals. Learning to embrace these qualities while navigating contradictions can lead to a more fulfilling and self-aligned life.

By understanding and working with these opposing forces, it’s possible to find balance, acceptance, and a sense of peace in the midst of life’s contradictions.