Why Self-Regulation Feels So Hard When You’re Neurodivergent

Julie N
Oct 23
6 min read

If you’re neurodivergent — whether you live with ADHD, autism, or identify as a Highly Sensitive Person — you might often wonder: “Why can’t I just calm down?” or “Why do I overreact to things that other people seem to handle easily?”

This difficulty with self-regulation is not a failure of willpower or resilience. It’s deeply connected to how your nervous system works. For many neurodivergent adults, especially those with ADHD and anxiety, the nervous system operates on high alert much of the time — scanning for cues of danger or threat, even when none are present.

By understanding the science of nervous system regulation — and particularly what the Polyvagal Theory tells us about safety, connection, and overwhelm — we can begin to meet these experiences with compassion rather than criticism.

What Is Self-Regulation — and Why It’s So Important

Self-regulation is your ability to manage emotional and physiological responses — to move from stress or activation back into a sense of safety and calm. It helps you stay grounded and connected, even when life feels unpredictable.

For neurodivergent individuals, however, self-regulation can be more complex. The brain and body process information differently, which means you might feel emotions more intensely, react faster to sensory input, and take longer to return to a balanced state.

This is particularly true for people with ADHD and anxiety, where the combination of heightened emotional responses and a sensitive stress system makes nervous system regulation more difficult.

The Nervous System and the Polyvagal Theory

The autonomic nervous system governs all the functions that happen automatically — like your heartbeat, breathing, and digestion. It’s constantly scanning your environment for signs of safety or danger, a process known as neuroception (a term coined by Stephen Porges, who developed the Polyvagal Theory).

According to this model, the nervous system moves between three main states:

Ventral Vagal (Safety and Connection) – When your body feels safe, the ventral vagal branch of the vagus nerve supports calm, engagement, and social connection.
Sympathetic (Fight or Flight) – When danger is sensed, the body shifts into high alert, increasing adrenaline and heart rate — which can feel like anxiety or agitation.
Dorsal Vagal (Shutdown or Freeze) – When stress becomes overwhelming, the body may shut down to protect itself, leading to numbness, exhaustion, or dissociation.

Healthy self-regulation depends on the ability to move flexibly between these states — activating when needed and returning to calm when the threat has passed. For many neurodivergent people, however, this flexibility can be harder to access.

Why It’s Harder for Neurodivergent People to Self-Regulate

1. Heightened Sensory Processing

Autistic and ADHD brains often experience sensory input more intensely. Bright lights, noise, or even social environments can overload the nervous system, activating the sympathetic state — a response well described in Polyvagal Theory and autism research. Once triggered, it takes longer for the body to calm — one of the hallmarks of emotional dysregulation in neurodivergent adults.

2. Differences in Interoception

Interoception is the awareness of internal sensations — noticing your heartbeat, tension, or hunger. For some neurodivergent individuals, these signals are either muted or overwhelming, making it hard to detect early signs of stress before the system tips into overload.

3. Chronic Social Stress and Masking

Many neurodivergent adults expend enormous energy trying to “mask” — hiding traits or mimicking neurotypical behaviours to fit in. This constant adaptation keeps the nervous system in sympathetic activation, leading to long-term stress and burnout.

4. Executive Function Challenges

For those with ADHD, difficulties with planning, sequencing, and impulse control can make it harder to access self-regulation tools when overwhelmed. You may know what would help (breathing, pausing, grounding), but your brain and body are out of sync in the moment.

How ADHD and Anxiety Feed Each Other

Many neurodivergent adults live with both ADHD and anxiety, and these two conditions often reinforce each other. ADHD traits like forgetfulness or impulsivity can trigger anxiety about performance or rejection. Meanwhile, chronic anxiety keeps the nervous system in overdrive, worsening ADHD symptoms such as restlessness or poor focus.

This creates a cycle where emotional dysregulation becomes the norm — the nervous system is constantly oscillating between activation (fight/flight) and collapse (shutdown).

Supporting Your Nervous System: Practical Strategies

1. Co-Regulation Comes First

Before you can self-regulate, your body needs experiences of co-regulation — feeling safe in connection with others. Calm presence, gentle voices, or compassionate relationships activate the ventral vagal system, helping your body remember what safety feels like.

2. Use the Body to Calm the Mind

You cannot calm the mind with the mind. Since nervous system regulation begins in the body, engaging it directly can help shift emotional states more effectively than trying to think your way out of them.

When your system feels flooded, grounding through movement or touch can activate both hemispheres of the brain and send signals of safety to the body.. This process — known as bilateral stimulation — helps the brain integrate emotion and sensory experience, gently guiding you back toward balance.

One simple and soothing way to do this is the Butterfly Hug, a technique developed within trauma therapy and now widely used for self-soothing and emotional regulation.

🦋 The Butterfly Hug

Cross your arms over your chest so each hand rests just below your collarbone, forming a butterfly shape with your thumbs touching.
Slowly and alternately tap your hands on your chest — left, right, left, right — in a calm, rhythmic motion.
Breathe slowly and deeply as you tap, keeping your attention on the gentle rhythm.
You might silently repeat phrases such as “I am safe right now” or “This feeling will pass.”

This alternating stimulation helps both sides of the brain communicate, supporting emotional processing while activating the calming ventral vagal branch of the vagus nerve. Research shows that bilateral stimulation can calm the amygdala, helping people move from a state of sympathetic arousal (anxiety, restlessness) toward grounded calm.

Other simple body-based soothing practices include:

Slow breathing (especially with longer exhales)
Gentle movement or walking to release tension
Rocking or rhythmic motion to soothe the vestibular system
Soft sensory input — low lighting, calming music, or comforting textures

These small, body-based actions remind your nervous system that you are safe — helping the mind settle as the body comes into balance.

3. Track Your State

Begin noticing your physiological states throughout the day — your breathing, muscle tension, and posture. Are you in fight, flight, or freeze? Awareness helps you intervene earlier, before your body becomes flooded.

4. Reduce Internal Pressure

Perfectionism and self-criticism fuel anxiety and sympathetic activation. Practising self-compassion helps calm the system and supports more stable self-regulation.

5. Explore Therapeutic Support

In therapy, particularly Gestalt therapy or other body-based approaches, you can safely explore how your emotions live in your body. By bringing attention to your sensations, you build the neural pathways for self-regulation and emotional balance over time.

Final Thoughts

If you find self-regulation difficult, please know you’re not alone — and you’re not failing. Your nervous system may simply be more finely tuned, more responsive to the world around you.

Understanding Polyvagal Theory and how the vagus nerve influences emotional safety can help you work with your body. For neurodivergent people, this awareness can transform frustration into compassion — and chaos into moments of calm.

Self-regulation is not about control. It’s about relationship — with your body, your emotions, and the world around you.

References

Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-Regulation.
Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation.
Siegel, D. J. (2012). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are.
Critchley, H. D., & Garfinkel, S. N. (2017). Interoception and emotion. Current Opinion in Psychology, 17, 7–14.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.